It’s quite amazing when the sweet sayings and scriptures are no longer cheesy beliefs, But truly faith in action. Truth and morality is no longer a societal or religious expectation, but a commitment of great depth beyond the soul. It is a deep desire to Glorify the living God of all creation!
It’s living in the knowledge that it is not by my works, but by the identity, character, love and greatness of our God to unfold a story beyond belief. The story of a savior, who walked in my shoes. Whose feet hit the dirty ground of this fallen Earth. It’s the realization that it is not my will, but His that keeps all things in motion.
My thoughts rattle around in my busy mind, contemplating what was before and what will be. But ultimately, it is Him. He IS the Alpha & the Omega. He IS the beginning and the end. He is beyond the facets of time and beyond the dimensions of our world. He is beyond the goodness of humanity and beyond the concepts of thermodynamics, gravity, technology, geography, astronomy, biology. He is beyond what man puts together to study who he is, what he has created, what he set into motion and who He created US to be as human beings.
As an image bearer of the most high King of every universe, I am floored at the vastness of His goodness and the greatness of His will for me.
Even in the midst of trials, even in the midst of the toughest times, even in the darkest of nights, through the dark nights of the soul, through the deep pains of dysfunction and rejection, through the sickness of hope deferred, the pain of abandonment and the complete and utter confusion of how these things can be… Through the totality of the fallen nature of this fallen world, somehow I’m still able to find the light in the darkness. Because out of His love for me, He has opened my eyes to see! He has opened my eyes to see the faintest light even in the darkest of nights.
He was there in the midst as I thought I was fighting the good fight all on my own….Thinking that I knew something more than the next person, Imagining that my intellectual capabilities put me further ahead of the next person…. I am crushed by the weight of my own pride. I somehow believed that I could set my own story into motion. Every part of my being deflates, I am disarmed. Totally broken, crushed. I am totally incapable of doing things on my own. It is truly in my weakness that He is made strong. So, why is it that I think I need to be so strong? Why can’t I just submit to the weakness, which is the beginning of His strength? When will I surrender and truly lay things down? When will I let go? When will I accept the life that He already knew would be mine?
It’s painful to realize the reality of the life that I’ve lived. Seeing as how I have been in complete denial of some of those realities. It’s painful to look at things for what they are and to realize that I need to process through the emotions and the grief of those truths. The truth that I went through all of these things. But, submitting to the greater truth that He is working it ALL out for my good and for His glory!
The tears roll down my cheeks as I grieve… I grieve the losses that I never thought I would experience. It was the death of realities that I had invested my hope in for my entire life. The perception of failure, because I was not able to achieve the things that I thought I could. The things that I dreamed about, I could not make those into reality all by myself.
Certainly, I co-labor with Christ. Certainly I take the steps to do what needs to be done. Certainly I write my plans out and I take steps towards them. But isn’t the greater truth that man makes his plans and God directs his footsteps?
Is there greater truth in the reality that the strong woman that I am, was actually required of me? That the little girl inside of my past did not have a choice but to grow up, be strong, suck it up, look it up…. You can do it, you don’t need anyone’s help. The voices inside my head told me that I am alone. The voices said nobody is going to be there for you! Those voices were often louder than that still small voice and things in the natural aligned with what they said.
What more can a person do to shut out those voices than to strive to do the opposite of what they are saying? To come to a place of self-sufficiency beyond the capacity of just a small child. A small child that grows into a teenager that journeys through life without those who brought her into this world… From the age of 16, without them. Those realities that I would prefer to keep buried. The reality is that I would see these things in the lives of others and think ” My gosh, I’m so sorry. I cannot believe you went through that.” I had pity for you.
But, when did I stop for a moment to say this to myself? When did I stop to care for those small parts of me that were never acknowledged? To realize the depth of the pain experienced and that I was someone who needed to be acknowledged and loved… Not just shown pity.
It is only by a deep deep revelation of a power greater than myself. A love that simply defies every definition of love that was slammed in my face. A love that defies the insistent control, the persistent neglect, the abuse and the simple fact of the corruption of sin in this plane of existence.
To what end? Not that of bitterness, not that of blame and not to the end of myself (of my life). But to the beginning. The beginning of the end of me. The beginning of the end of my strength. The beginning of my weakness. And this is why the greater assurance of His strength at the beginning of my weakness can become a resting place.
I can sit in the fact that not only am I this human in the flesh, but I am also a great heir of a wondrous, glorious, most beautiful Father in heaven and creator of all things.
Although my story may not have been as I thought it should be, He is able to bring Himself glory out of my mess. He has crafted a message from the depths of my soul and the transformation and submission of my spirit.
I cannot sit still. I cannot keep my mouth shut. I cannot subdue myself any longer. For why would I keep quiet about such a love? So why would I hold back my love from Him? Why would I squander such a love to reach for another? How could I substitute or sacrifice this to the pleasures of this world when there is an unlimited supply of great favor, glorious adventure, a sense of satisfying sufficiency and a true identity in Him.
How can I let go of the truths that built me from the inside out? Who would I be, to abandon me? What would it mean to keep beating myself up for the rest of my life because I cannot attain to the expectations that only I set up for myself? How is this a life to live?
Eating all the greatest foods, dancing to all the greatest songs, having great sex, great adventures, great travel… Meeting cool people… The “least” of these and the “greatest” of them. Would it be to have all the greatest things, the prettiest trappings or the loudest voice? To get all the likes, shares and subscribers? Would it be that the floor beneath my feet would be marble or made of gold? Would it be the paycheck that provides the security for my time in this life? Will it ever be worth it to build my own kingdom within the boundaries, measures and methods of a world fallen to sin and satan? Is it the top of the hierarchy to achieve the “American Dream” and hold on to it with the claws of life?
Would it be a bigger house to be more miserable in ? To work harder to pay its bills and to decorate its walls? Would it be the giving of myself to every person in hopes that they would accept me? That they would understand me? Would it be the people pleasing to the death of me? Would it be this fear of man (approval seeking) driving me to cover up the truth of who I am in order to provide them with what I think that they want of me? Or is that entirely insanity? To think that I would know what you were thinking? To think that I would care so much about what you MIGHT be thinking, that I would conform to those expectations…. Expectations that you never even communicated to me.Or would it simply bring me freedom to just let go? Let go of it all… To be in complete surrender. What does that look like? Is it easy? Or is it painful?
I’ve noticed in this life that if I choose to give up the pleasures of this world, it doesn’t make it that easy! Lol. It really doesn’t. It can be a painful life to live. But it can be extremely rewarding, it can be so freeing! Ultimately, it will be a new reality to walk in. A different plane of perspective to operate out of. It ends up being even greater pleasure!
Again in my journey, or perhaps never have I ever before …Truly surrendered my entire life. Every plan, every expectation…. Every breath I breathe. Surrendered to Him. This is where I am. Working to stay in this space, a place of surrender.
Can I surrender every relationship? Every friendship? Every person that I want to like me? Every friend that I hope to have? The idea of a marriage that I always thought I would have ….. if I just did the right things. Waited to have sex until marriage. Would that bring me a husband that would love me, accept me, protect me, understand me, encourage me and be with me? Can I surrender my ideals? Can I crush the idols? Can I walk away from all these things and walk towards HIM?
Can I trust God with my son? How do I put him in the care of other humans? What will they do, what will they say ? How will they introduce him to the things of this world? From holidays, manners, values, safety, faith and self discipline… Can I release control? Can I trust another with the one formed within my womb? It’s certainly a grieving process for me. He is living a life he never chose. So many decisions that affect him, but he will have no say. How do I trust that it will all work out in the end… Can I release him, yet hold onto my responsibility of raising, cherishing, loving, teaching and having fun with him?
Can I surrender my ideals? Can I crush the idols? Can I walk away from all these things and walk towards HIM?
Can I sit? Sit in His presence. Can I shut out all the voices in my head? The voices of my childhood… Be it teachers, friends, youth pastors, parents, unfriends, haters, naysayers, siblings, boyfriends, advisors, competitors, counselors, comparisons, therapists, experts, doctors…. Whatever that voice may be, am I willing? Am I willing to sometimes sacrifice reality for truth? Truth about my identity. Truth about my future. Truth about perspective on this temporary reality that we are experiencing in the confines of this time and this space.
Can I surrender the language? The language that I know and the languages that I haven’t learned. What can be important about that? Oh how immense the weight of knowledge. Oh the pressure of learning. Can He not reveal all things that are needed? Maybe it’s that He lights the path and provides for my education… But maybe He gives miraculous abilities and wisdom beyond capacity. To each, He has unique gifts and a particular measure for it.
Whose feet shall I sit at? Can I even be still? Can I keep things surrendered?
I’m so thankful that there is a greatness that exists that is fully identified by grace and mercy. Because I am a sinner. I admit that at one point I thought that I wasn’t such a sinner! It was in my pride that I thought I was doing all the right things. I wasn’t sinning… Who me ?
But the irony of it all… hmmf…Some theologians say that PRIDE is the crux of it all, the root of all sin. Perhaps it is the very veil that hides us from the realization of the reality that we are steeped in sin. Pride being the very sin we are swimming in.
How can we see, how can we breathe, how can we live and relate if we are so blinded by ourselves? So blinded by the fact that we keep doing what we think is right. We have decided what is right and wrong for ourselves and that is the very tempting fruit from the beginning. One little whisper in her ear and we all crumble. But if it wasn’t them, it would be you and I. How is it that we would have ever surrendered if we were god of ourselves? If we believed that we were god and He was not ? What would be the requirement, the necessity?
Why church? Why God? Why Jesus? Why do we even endeavor upon these concepts? Why do we tempt ourselves with religious practice only to accomplish things for our own pride? How well can you actually pat yourself on the back? Where are those ribbons and metals that you attained? And if so… Tell me… Will you take them to your grave?
When do we get so exhausted with the crap we are immersed in? When did we stop to realize that we are the Pharisee? When do we realize that we are the ones that put him on the cross?
When do we choose to step out of sin and into the light ? Ouch ! A Purifying fire burns. Being in the light can be uncomfortable. It might be awkward! We might get defensive. Learning to live a life of radical confession could be the only hope to a life of true freedom. The only key to true community.
Breathe. It’s going to be okay. Let go. Let go some more. Open your eyes. Or ask him to open them!
I am only a vessel. Here for a time. Here with a mission. Here to glorify the creator God!
Forgive me for the times that I have said stupid things! Forgive me for the idle talk and for the times I was a bad example. Forgive me, because He has forgiven me much!
If I can forgive myself, certainly you can forgive me. Because I have the greatest judgments on myself. So, however hardcore you judge me, imagine that I have done worse! I have ripped myself to shreds, punished myself, guilted myself, shamed myself along with the best of them. I belittle the gifts, my identity, the core of me. I snuff out “this little light of mine”.
It was somehow so astonishing to fully realize that God was not that distant disdaining white grandpa in the sky. So beautiful to realize that He is not that busy Judge down the hall that has no time to open the door to hear my plea. The moment that I realized he is unlike my earthly father…. He is drenched in unconditional love. His perspective is filtered through the blood stained lense of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice. His own sacrifice. He sees me as righteous because I am hidden in Him, covered in His blood and righteousness.
That moment in my journey where I decided to jump into the deep end and just do what I wanted… Even then, He was there lavishing His love on me! He didn’t tell me what I was doing was wrong ( He wrote that in our hearts. I knew it was wrong). He told me that he loves me! When I really received that true revelation of the deepest depths of His love… I realized that there was not anything that I had done or could do to be loved, to be chosen.. Boy oh boy, I am free.
I’m free from the sin and I am free to be me! Free to be the me that He created me to be. Free to be the me that He knew… Before I was ever even in my mother’s womb.
The me that He decided to KNIT together…. Even though He SPOKE the rest of the whole world into motion. Have you thought about that? He KNIT us together, he formed and fashioned us. Carefully . In His Image.
I SURRENDER. 🙌
What other response is there to a God So gracious? A God so intimate? A God who cares and a God who pursues me?
What will your response be?
If you have not experienced him, if you do not know him…. I DARE YOU… Ask him to show you who He is.
I’ll pass. Thank you for listening.